The Void by Becc
This is a story about the way that Stars are born.
I have always felt safe in the space of, ‘I don’t know’. ‘I don’t know what is going to happen.’ ‘I don’t know how to heal anymore.’ ‘I don’t know how to not fight my own resistance and pain.’ There was often a kind of Peace I could somehow just feel that resonated there. Even though I didn’t fully understand it, I sensed that it was here in the place of Unknowing that one floats in Space, with no choice but to become One with what Is… A Great Stillness that pervades that I had yearned for all my life.
And yet. I also argued against it. I realise now that I did not understand what was being asked of me to get to, or ever get back to, touching, breathing, living in, this place of Peace the way I so desperately wanted and needed to. It did not occur to me that I had to let myself fall in order to ever land.
There was a time when I fell into this dark place, and I did not know what would happen to me.
I had prayed and prayed to become One with the dark, and yet it did not occur. Physically, this was the point where I had attempted to end my life, this life that had become filled with great and deep suffering. My mind could no longer tolerate the extremity of my internal turmoil. Years of trauma and abuse were catapulting me into a depth of suffering that most people will never feel. All I had known was the suffering, and the trying to get out.
When the place of Peace I so desired did not come for me, I was left with no choice. There were simply no more choices left. There was nothing left to do. Nothing or no one to be. I was just… there. I was there in the place where all that you thought you knew, any sure footing, had disintegrated. This was that moment, that feeling, when you do not understand Life itself any longer. You do not know because all that you thought you knew turned out to be wrong (or perhaps, unknowable). To me, this became T H E V O I D. It was not a Void of painful nothingness. It was and is just a place where there is nothing left. All that you have tried has failed, and all that you thought you could be or were, you aren’t. I had been familiar with falling here at other times. I fell into this place when my life fell apart and I had no home and no money. I fell into this Great Dark when I, at many points, lost all awareness of how to end or even help my wounds. It was not like I had never fallen before. I was just here again. The difference was the depth.
I fell into vast canopy of Space.
It is in fact thanks to this experience that I became deeply familiar with the S A N C T I T Y O F T H E V O I D. Because I felt I had no way of ending my suffering, and I knew that I held such deep suicidality within, to me I was someone living with a terminal illness that could take my life at any moment. I had no control over what was going to happen or not happen. All the ways I knew how to heal this part of myself had failed, so this illness, this suffering, was terminal. I knew it was a reality that my most intense suicidality could quite literally return at any moment, and I would indeed be gone.
There was a strange stillness that began to pervade. There was nothing left to fight in the present (‘I tried but I can’t heal it, I can’t fix me’) and nothing left to try to be in the future, (‘I don’t understand Life, I don’t even know if I’ll be alive then’). This was the beginning of the new way that I would live for the next few weeks.
Somewhere within this period, I also decided something. I decided that if I was to live (for one more second, or one more day – I couldn’t know), I had conditions. My condition was that if I was to find myself in that same suffering again, I would euthanise myself. I thought about this very rationally. There was a calmness to these thoughts that those who have not been in this place would likely find unsettling. But I decided it. The other condition I had for myself was that I would begin to live my life differently. This was ‘the last go’. It was to live in answer to, ‘What would you do if you had a day to live?’ My perspective was that nothing I did or didn’t do to change anything seemed to matter any way, so I might as well just do exactly whatever I wanted to or needed to in any given moment.
Like someone with a terminal illness may describe, nothing mattered, except everything.
Quite quickly, there became a C L A R I T Y in my awareness that can barely be put into words. All the things I had been holding back from doing in my Life, I began to do. There was no tomorrow for it to happen. It had to occur, Now. Any resistance I felt within myself in my mind or my emotions, I did not participate in. This was helped by the fact that I felt that if I attempted to engage with my mind, I might die. All of my attempts at healing my mind thus far had failed. I had been led exactly here anyway, so there was no real point in risking engagement. I just did not, could not, participate in my thoughts.
In these days, every moment came with the notion that it might disappear along with me and my life, without even a second. And so, every moment became precious. Every moment I was alive, I began to feel a gratitude for. I felt grateful to be experiencing anything at all, still. If my mind would arise I would simply focus on the sound of silence (I know. But if you really listen… Silence sings).
Soon, I felt myself being pulled into only the N O W. And it wasn’t from that place of fear or no choice that I had started from. I moved fully into T H E S A C R E D. I was initiated into N O W so completely that I could feel the innate Sacredness of All That Is, all that was before me, in all that I experienced. I gazed at everything around me in pure reverence. And in these golden days of light and an absence of my previous suffering, I felt a clear peace for the first time. I also felt great joy and gratitude as I realised what was happening… My Light finally shining and filling this deep, dark night sky.
I understood it now. I understood that I had been right - it didn’t matter, but not in the way I had been meaning. It was that… All my life I had lived as though I needed to change, fix, create or do something. All my life I had been trying to escape my own suffering and the suffering of our world. When in truth, I realised from my place of being held by The Sacred, that A L L is S A C R E D P E R F E C T I O N. I even saw my emotions and resistance as though they were and always had been Sacred offerings of Light. I began A L L O W I N G them to simply B E so completely, that they would pass through me with such serenity it was as though they were never there at all. Light was pouring and flooding through me, and I saw this world and my own Life and Being with these E Y E S of G O D.
There were days where I walked the beach with such Sacred reverence. I awoke in the morning and just marvelled at the incredible and indescribable stream of sunlight that was simply Being upon the wall. I realised how wrong I had had it – my Life, suffering, the mind, healing, all of it. It was now so obvious to me that the problem was not my mind or my suffering, but my inability to see it as Sacred Perfection (as much as all else one might hold reverence for), so as to simply A L L O W it to B E. All of my attempts at controlling my pain was creating war withIn, suffering. I now saw that The Void felt like Sacred P E A C E to me because it asks of you to O N L Y S U R R E N D E R. I could not change my pain, I could not undo what had been done. When I finally gave up trying to change or alter my experience, I became these M I R A C L E S I am describing to you today . I was F R E E and in true awareness of the most Sacred Truth that we can know: What You Are, All that You Are is S A C R E D L I F E.
I was born in the Void.
And now I am Starlight.
© Becc 2019
Becc is an extrasensory luminary, spiritual teacher, writer and Love Emissary who was born with powerful spiritual gifts including, channeling, healing abilities, clairvoyance and more. Becc teaches that Love is the sole Essence of All That Is and that the process of Awakening is simply the return to this Love. Becc offers Beings a way back through...to Love.
Head to http://beccluminary.com/ for sessions, events, videos and more.